A letter from a proud birth mother

 

Dear Birth mother

You don’t know me and I don’t know you, but I know what you’re going through and the decision you have to make is heart-wrenching. I just wanted to take a moment to tell you about the story of my son’s adoption and how God Will Make A Way.

April 26th 2005 I gave birth to a beautiful little boy.

female hands with pen writing on notebookI thought he was the world. For 2 years I had the amazing pleasure of being my sons mom. It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be his mom. But on one fateful day, November 18th 2007, my life changed.

The week before that, my mom thought she was just having acid reflux. We went to the hospital where they treated her and sent her home. We went back to the hospital again, where they treated her again and sent her home. When she came home, she went upstairs to lie down for a while. When she came down stairs, she was standing and talking to me … her heart stopped beating.

I remember catching her, remember laying her on the ground, I remember hearing her last breath. I remember giving her CPR. I remember going outside and meeting the ambulance. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs, “God please don’t take my mom, God please don’t take my mom, please don’t take my mom.”

I remember them bringing her back to life. After we got to the hospital you couldn’t touch her, she would go into seizures. She had no brain activity, so she stayed on the ventilator. Our family had to make the heart-wrenching decision to take her off life support. It was not a decision that we took lightly. We lost family members but, we knew as a family that my mom would not want to live the rest of her life on a ventilator.

Once they took her off she was moved from the CCU to a regular room. Early the next morning she died.

We buried my mom the day before Thanksgiving 2007. I remember going to a funeral and just crying. I didn’t know what to do without my mom. My mom was my friend. I remember following the hearse to the cemetery. I watched as the lowered my mom’s casket, blanketed in her favorite roses, yellow.

You see I blame myself for my mom’s death. I thought if I had recognized the signs earlier. If I had noticed what was going on she would be a alive. If I had demanded that she stay in the hospital she would still be alive.

But I didn’t just I blame myself, my family blamed me. That Thanksgiving Day I remember being in a T-shirt and a pair of shorts sitting at the computer desk. My son was playing in his play area. I remember eating a ham and chesse sandwich thinking that this was going to be my last meal on Earth. After I got done eating that sandwich, I was going to go upstairs to my bathroom, open the closet door, take out my thousand milligram pain meds, crush them up into something I could feed my son. Then after I killed my son, I was going to take the remaining bottle of Medicine, essentially killing myself. I had every intention of killing my son and myself that Thanksgiving Day in 2007.

By the grace of God I heard my son laugh, just pure joy, and it was the sound that stopped me.

So I packed my bags and packed my son’s stuff. I called my sister and told her I was moving to her house. I needed to get away. I couldn’t live in the same place where my mom had died. When I got to Jacksonville, Florida.

The first thing I did was call Christian Family Services. I knew I was unfit to be a mom. I knew I was unfit to keep him. I didn’t know if I had the ability to care for him. All I knew was that I was not good for him. I made the decision to give him a life that I could not. To give him an opportunity to grow that I could not give him. To give him a mom and a dad and a house and a future.

I was emotionally, mentally detached from him. I won’t say that I didn’t love him because I did love him. I just didn’t feel that love for him. I didn’t feel love for no one. I didn’t care what I said, I didn’t care whether he got a bath. I didn’t care his diaper got changed. So adoption was the only option I had.

I couldn’t see letting my sisters keep him because neither one of them were in the environment they needed to live in. I couldn’t see my friends keeping him because they where not in the best of places either.

I wanted to give my son a life, family, grandparents, uncle’s, and aunts. And for him to not have to worry about where the next meal was going to come from. Or not be sure where we were going to stay. I didn’t want my son to have to go through what I went through as a child. I wanted him to have a college education. I wanted him to be able to go to some of the best schools. I wanted the best for my son and I was not the best for my son.

So I called Christian Family Services where I meet Mr.Jerry. Mr Jerry was my saving grace, he talked with me, he prayed with me, he loved on me, and he told me it was okay. He was the first person to tell me that it was okay. We talked about what I wanted, what I wanted in the adoption. We talked about the parents and he told me about the couple that was getting my son.

Then I had the pleasure of meeting my son’s adoptive family. I got to watch them play with him, watch them talk to him. I got to see them fall in love with him. His adoptive family was not local, they lived on the other side of the country. They flew 24 hours just to meet him. They rented a car and made last minute hotel reservations. They did all of that on a hope and a maybe that I would say yes.

You see, I had the option to say no if I it was not the family that I wanted for my son. But when I met that family, I saw how much they already loved him. I saw how exciting it was for them to meet him, how excited they were to talk to me, to hear my story. I chose to let them have him, (because) I knew he was going somewhere great. He was going to have more things than I could ever given him. He was going to have more family members, he was going to grow up and go to a good school. He was going to grow up and have people there for him, because I knew I couldn’t be there for him anymore.

As I was signing the papers to give my son up, I looked over at the family and I knew that I knew, it was the right choice. I still get pictures and I can request updates on him. He knows who I am and he knows about his adoption and he knows that I love him.

When I look back on my son’s adoption I see God’s hand in it. I can’t help but see God’s hand. I see how God took me from a dark place and provided protection for my son. I see how God took what I thought was a devastating blow to my life and thus wanted to end it all. I saw God turn it for good. My son is now 11 years old And he is tall, he’s strong, he’s gorgeous, and he’s turning into a handsome young man. I am proud to say that he is my son.

There is life after adoption, you may lose family members, you may lose friends. But at the end of the day ask yourself: “What’s more important, giving your child a life that you couldn’t, giving your child an opportunity to grow up and not have to experience the same things you went through, or keeping your family, your friends happy?”

You see my story doesn’t end there, it was just the beginning.

Two months later I went back to college where I graduated with a dual degree in the medical field. I was able to give my life back to Christ, I was able to find freedom from the shame. I was able to find freedom from guilt of my mom’s death. Freedom from the blame of mom’s death.

In time, I was able to meet my husband and give birth to two beautiful little girls. I was able to buy my own place to live where I have my dream home. I am able to have everything that I wanted.

Life does not stop after adoption, it’s just the beginning. Placing your child for adoption is an opportunity to go back and say, “you know what, I messed up this time, but I want to get it right the second time.” I was able to do all that. Your life doesn’t stop after you place your child for adoption. It’s God’s way of giving you another chance at life.

If you do not know the love of God, I encourage you to find a local church. Get connected to the amazing people of God’s kingdom. Ask God into your heart. Remember you’re not alone. You have other moms out here praying for you and agencies like Christian Family Services.

My name is April and I am a proud Birth Mom.